Crossroads

Jeremiah 6:16
This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. "

Today is Day 19 of this fast for me. I am trying to log all that the Lord has shown me in the past 19 days and I can't fit it into my mind succinctly enought to include it all here. I surrender to the Spirit's leading for the biggest stuff. I have never walked in complete victory this long. All I can say is to God be the Glory. There is no way that all this could be on me. Sure, I have eeked it out with sheer will power in the past, but it has been with white knuckles, clenched jaw, and a very tight back. Today, I write with peace and contentment that is so deep, I feel as if I am truly resting for the first time in my life. I am not even thinking about what comes next... sometimes (which is huge).

I have been reading this book about codependence and realized how many qualities I had that alligned with the codependent lifestyle. I believe God has used this to reveal the circuit Satan has used for so long in my life. I don't know how many times I have said to dear friends, "I am ready to get off this track... Done a few too many laps around this one..." I see how the cycle lead me to an unhealthy outlet that supported the notion to serve and sacrifice for others without regard for considering my own needs. I had somehow misinterpreted the scripture to "love your neighbor as yourself" meant to serve others first because they are more valuable. It didn't sink in until about a week ago that I was supposed to take the time to love myself before I stepped out in serving. I wonder how many others are out there that have the "wool" pulled over their eyes.

As I have asked Jesus to show me how to love myself, he has been so gracious. He has been working on this for at least 10 years, slowly, gently revealing His love for me. It has blown my mind so many times. At times, I have received it in confusion, with detached feelings. Other times His grace has won out and He has seared through the dead weight of baggage and gone right to my core. Please hear me, He has been a gentleman the entire time. Revelations 3:20 states, "... I stand at the door and knock". You see God has never forced Himself on us. It wouldn't be pure love if we were puppets and didn't have an element of choice in the matter. But He loves us so much that He continues to pursue intimacy with us, inspite of our sinful hearts. The God of the universe, who could have done it any way He wanted, knew His just heart couldn't look on sin with grace, so He provided His sacrificial lamb once and for all. The curtain was torn in the temple and we were invited in. Not only to have a conversation, but to believe and gain salvation. To be sealed with the Spirit and become a coheir with Christ. To have everything that was available to Jesus while he walked on this Earth available to us.

So if that is the case why does it take so long for victory? I may never know all the details this side of Heaven, but I do know this. If God is graciously granting me permanent freedom for such a time as this... For every day I have agonized, cried, felt isolated, ashamed and defeated; there is a story of His work, His story of a "crown of beauty instead of ashes", His redemption in spite of Satan's ploy for my demise, an opportunity for His radiant glory to be revealed and for an intimate relationship for me with the creator of the universe.

Because of the blood of Christ and the power of the Spirit, I will hold fast. I will stand firm. I will stand up and be counted Lord. I stand with the helmet of Salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith and the sword of your word. They may feel like they are 10 sizes to big Lord and intimidate me as they rattle when I move. .. You are my Jehovah Nissi Lord, you go before me and you come behind me. You hem me in from all sides and your banner over me is love. Glory to your name oh Father. Glory to the name of Jesus Christ!